8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
