I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
