Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
