Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
