tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
