living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
