I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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