Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
