Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
