yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
