I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
