meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
