there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
