I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
