ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
