just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
