i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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