mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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