im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
