I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
