Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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