Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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