Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I could fuck to npr.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
