maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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