I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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