let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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