I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
this is an emotional support booty call
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize