So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
