She just used a chaser for red wine.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
