They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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