Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
