I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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