your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I bet he comes in French.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This is the high leading the old right now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
