Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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