And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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