I accidentally had phone sex last night
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
