currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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