last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize