I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
