Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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