Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
