My first STD was from a foam party
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
