I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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