I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
