So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
