for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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