From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
