I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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