I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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