I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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