Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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