he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
