I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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