I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
