I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
