As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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