Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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