Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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