nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
